His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
