Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
This toilet bowl is my home.
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