So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
