His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
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