when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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