I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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