Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
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Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
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We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary