***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.