how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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