WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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