I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
