Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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