my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
