I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
