I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
