If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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