Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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