Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
