YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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