He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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