i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
