Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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