My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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