Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize