You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
