dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
