I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
