sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
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MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
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The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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