More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
