Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
