she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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