Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Randomize
