Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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