FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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