so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
