My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
