What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
