Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
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