My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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