im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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