What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
