I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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