what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
