Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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