Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
He? As in you personified your dick?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
