Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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