her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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