Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
