Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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