At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
