the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
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I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
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I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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