Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
