i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
