so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
