I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
