btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
