everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
