You work out of a Hotel?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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