She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Randomize
