Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
