Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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